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Communication Tips

  1. Communication problems mostly arise from one of the following –
    • Blaming yourself. This leads to feelings of anxiety, guilt and defensiveness.
    • Blaming others. This leads to anger, hostility, rebellion and self-righteousness.
    • Blaming fate. This leads to self-pity and a need to control others.
  2. Connect before you correct, or problem solve –
    • Connecting means listening with your heart to see your partners' perspective.
    • Listen for what is important to your partner. For example, hurts or unmet needs.
    • Tell the person, in your own words, what you think you have heard.
    • Ask questions to clarify and ensure understanding.
    • Then ask the person if you have understood correctly.
    • Find something in what they said, felt, or meant to agree with.
    • Share how you are feeling or thinking, for example, "I feel ..."
  3. Tell your partner how you feel, not what's wrong with them –
    • Start with something you both agree with.
    • State opionions as something to consider not as fact or undisputeable truths.
    • Be respectful.
    • View differences as normal not "bad."

Recommended Reading

For Couples

  • How Can I Get Through to You?, by Terrence Real
  • The New Rules of Mariage, by Terrence Real
  • Making Intimate Connections, by Albert Ellis and Ted Crawford
  • Why Marriages succeed or Fail, by John Gottman
  • How You Can Make Yours Last, by John Gottman

For Personal Change

  • Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life, by Wayne Dyer
  • Pulling Your Own Strings, by Wayne Dyer
  • Conscious Living, by Gay Hendricks

For Parents

  • Children are from Heaven, by John Gray
  • Magic 1,2,3

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